First, you will learn about teamwork. Because in football, you can't play with individually. You must work together with your team mates, like passing the ball to them, or making some space for their movement.
Second, you will be trained to think quickly and be more creatively. Because when you play football, you have to face many decisions to make, such as passing or shooting. And your decision will affect the game.
Third, you will learn how to be patient while being a substitute. You can only watch your team plays from courtside and can't do something that might help them to get the victory except praying. Of course, it is really boring.
Considering to the facts above, playing football has many advantages for you. When you play football, you should play with your team mates then play individually. And it can make you more close to your friend. So let's playing football.
Advantages bukan "adventages". "You can't play with selfish do all individually" diganti menjadi "You can't play with individually". "There are maybe have other adventages that I i have not explained to you" diganti menjadi "Maybe there are have other advantages that I am not explained to you".
BalasHapusThis is just my opinion and sorry if I incorrect. Thank you.
I get the point, kamu sudah memenuhi generic structure dari teks yang ingin kamu tulis. Tapi, pada bagian thesis kalo bisa kamu perjelas lagi, jelaskan apa itu football. Tulisanmu sudah bisa dimengerti, tapi perbaiki lagi grammar-nya (kayak yang dicontohin sama komen di atas) agar lebih mudah dimengerti.
BalasHapussaya cukup mengerti inti dari teks tsb. koreksi saya ada di kata "adventages" yg benar adl "advantages". tks
BalasHapusThis is the best I've read so far, you hit the point right. Congratulations!!! you've done a really good job, interesting idea, good arguments so far. However, still it could be a lot better.This line=>"Moreover, playing football has some advantages or surplus,and I will explain to you some of them." Would be nice if you change it into something more like "Playing football is beneficial". And the last part of the text, should be your recommendation, so I tthink these lines aren't needed => Evenmore, football is the most popular sport in the world. And of course it is one of my favorites sports and my hobbies. And. i think when you sad, you must to have one thousand reason why you sad. But you can happy with one reason, play football.
BalasHapusthanks for the corrections
BalasHapusI have fixed my post. What do you think? Is there something wrong?
BalasHapusHai manpraya 21, mari kita cek ya->
BalasHapusUsually, man love sport. And the one of that is football. (Gak awkward ya openingnya? Gimana kalo Mostly, man loves sport, especially football. Football is one kind of sport, with the aim of the game is to score a goal by kickin(kicking, hayoo lebih teliti lagi ya) a ball with your foot(ini gak perlu deh ya? kan kalo kick pake kaki). Playing football is so beneficial, and i will explain to you why i(kalo nulis I itu harus huruf gede dimanapun tempatnya) said it so benefical(ini maksudnya gak perlu, langsung aja bilang playing footbal is beneficial atau lebih bagus lagi there are many advantages you can get by playing football) . First, when you play football, you will learn (how) to work together with your friend(atau bilang aja you will learn about teamwork). (langsung disambung ke kalimat ini)Because in football, you can't play with individuall(individually atau by yourself). You must work together with your friend(team mates), like pass(passing the ball) to them, or make(making) some space for the movement of your friend(for their movement).
Second, you will familiarized(diganti jadi you will be trained) to think quickly and be more creative(ganti jadi and creatively) . Because(biasanya kalo pake because itu kalimatnya gak dipisah, kalo mau dipisah pake 'for' terus koma) when you play football, you faced with the variety of options(diganti jadi you have to face many decisions to make)such as(sebelum such as pake koma) passing or shooting. And your decision can affected(lebih baik will affect) the game or the match(pilih satu game atau match?) .
Third, you will learn(how) to be patient when you're just being a substitute. (While being a substitute)You just watching your friend (you can only watch your team plays)from (the) courtside and can't do something what can(ganti jadi something that might help) help them to get (the) victory except pray(praying). (Of course, it is really boring) And it's so boring.
Considering (to)the facts(above), play(playing, kan disini dia jadi subjek) football has many advantages for you. (Jadi seharusnya disini kamu tulis, so we should playing football atau apa terserah kan tadi kamu udah berusaha meyakinkan pembaca kalo main bola itu manfaatnya banyak, nah disini kesimpulannya)And these not all(ini gak perlu). Maybe there are have other advantages that I am not explained to you. (kalimat ini gak usah) Nah manpraya 21, menurut aku ya advantages yg kamu jabarin itu isinya nyambung semua ke arah skill dan kompetensi, bukannya kesehatan dsb. tapi mungkin karena fokus kamu disitu, tapi seharusnya kamu bikang di awal itu pas di thesis kalo playing football itu banyak manfaat buat apa? buat meningkatkan kualistas kesehatan? atau pikiran?? itu kamu bilang, pas di recommendation baru kamu bilang pembaca should ngapain, terus kasih saransarannya juga. Intinya sih fokus sama topiknya, semangat ya!
thanks for the comment
BalasHapus